either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
