The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
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