I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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