ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
Randomize
