I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
Maybe it's the vicodin, but all I wanna do is hunt wild hogs.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
