Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Do you know how hard it is to was the scent of sex from your hair in a gas station bathroom?!
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
