There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
