new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
