you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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