his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
I just found out the guy that lied and blew me off got arrested, his mugshot is online. Life is good.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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