my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
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