I'm jealous of your bromance
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have already put on my inside pants.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
