It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
After we had sex he went to the kitchen, came back with a bag of funyuns and ate them buck ass naked in his bedroom doorway. Had no idea how to react to that one.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
