guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
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