Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
St. Patrick's day can kiss my ass. Still hungover. I guess I showed up at my gym blacked out yesterday morning. Like im not missing a gym day b
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
