He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
I just want to make out with him forever
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
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