I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
