I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
he just ran into my room in his giant penis costume yelling "supercock to the rescue"... I am still in total shock
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Randomize
