I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
