Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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