did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
