if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Randomize
