Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
he had hair everywhere except his balls
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
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