I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
I would fuck her until my dick fell off. then i would fuck her with your dick.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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