my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
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