You made me cry and you don't even care
Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
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