I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
