I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
