It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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