god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
What do you mean relationship? He paid for my tires and I gave him a blow job.
Randomize
