i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.
And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
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