I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Dude, she stopped mid blow job to ask the cat's name. ADHD might be a deal breaker after all.
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