please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
I shouldn't trust a guy I just met with the pull out method. That's a big responsibility.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
