I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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