I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
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