i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Randomize
