My friends, they love my intelligence
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
