First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
