what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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