Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
Randomize
