now i know why i became what i already was.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
