Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I fuckin love you!
I would reciprocate the feeling if i knew who this was.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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