Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
