my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
