Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
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