If that was your dad, he is hot
i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
