how can u be prego again
Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
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