if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
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