I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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