just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
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