When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Randomize
