He spelled "beautiful" wrong in his text
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Call it a failed empirical study as to whether drugs would make her more interesting. or at least better in bed.
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
