Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
HAH. HARRY POTTER CASUAL CONVO HAS BEEN EXTENDED TO DISCUSSING WEATHER. SO PRO
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
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